LunarMusings

Essence

"Essence is the attribute or set of attributes that make an object or substance what it fundamentally is, and which it has by necessity, and without which it loses its identity.  The concept originates with Aristotle, who used the Greek expression to ti ên einai, literally 'the what it was to be'."  From Wikipedia.

This last week has been such a time of blessings and connections and validations.  Its as if the Universe is pouring out messages of love, encouragement and one big YES after another.  And all of these messages are coming through all of you who have commented here, or emailed me or called, or visited.  I am so touched and honored by your love and joy and truth. 

Stories of others who have traveled have been shared, fears, vulnerabilities... tender spaces where Sisters come together to heal, hold space and Reveal.  Thank you all.  I feel that this last week has been a powerful reflection to me, through all of you, of my essence.  That core me that is seeking expression and wanting to make the choice to go and be and live and love.  Slivers of armor that I have sewn tightly into my being are getting unraveled, falling loose to the ground. 

I am also seeing clearly what I have always known about myself, but what wasn't always clear.  I am at my best, my fullest, my most alive around those who are willing to meet in those places of vulnerability, truth, nakedness, trust, and accepting love.  I am so blown away by all of you.  You know exactly who you are.  We have talked, embraced, cried, taken deep breaths together in the last week.  And through all of our stuff, I have received your big fat "YESES".

I am beginning to really know, deeper then believing, that the way for each of us to grow, move into our depth, and let our souls unfurl its wings as they were always meant to do, can only happen when we are willing to meet and be met at this level of truth, at the level of our core essence.  Its not just service we offer to one another, but love.  The act of loving.  Loving ourselves, each other, and the journey that we embark on each day as we rise up with the sun. 

I am creating today, preparing to embark on a deeper journey, a further distance, and a deeper connection with all of you.

Namaste.

 

Unearthing The Mysteries

In the ancient and medieval worlds, pomegranates symbolized birth and death, being itself capable of bleeding. It was frequently associated with maidens and maiden-goddesses, for its bloodiness was often identified with the menses of an underworld goddess. It had simultaneous positive and negative associations, as cthonic divinities, and in particular Earthmothers, were the sources of Life and of Death, of Health and of Illness, of Fertility and Infertility.

I have been traveling through my own underworld of late. Unearthing roots that have gripped the earth too tightly. Trying to dig out seeds that had been planted long ago, and continue to produce weeds that are choking the life out of what wants to be born now at this stage of my life.

The fruit of the shadow journey is juicy, beautiful, magical and so powerful. Many turn away from such a journey due to the ugliness and death that can be encounter. Its a journey that marks the transition of maiden into Mother, princess into Queen.

Quite a few of my fellow Sisters are in this journey now. I bow to you, your strength, your beauty, and your grace. May we come out on the other end having honed our skill, and mined the treasures of our inner workings.

I wrote the above on my Flickr site.  I wanted to somehow elaborate here a bit more...

There has been so much going on behind the scenes in my life, and I haven't quite known how to express it all here.  Its challenging to balance the very personal and the important processes to share.  I have been absent so much this year, that back tracking now, and trying to paint the full picture would be impossible, and again, not necessarily appropriate.

But things are changing.  I am changing, and life is demanding some huge choices of me.  The last month has been incredibly challenging for me.  I have been straddling between trying to build something that hasn't quite defined itself for me yet, and beginning to close the door on huge parts of my life.  While one thing is growing, many things are needing to die.  They have felt like incredibly tense energies to track at once. 

Its August, and by the end of the year, Jon and I would like to be out of the country and traveling through Asia for quite a long time. He has been home here with me since October when he returned from China.  The intention was always to return to the world, but we needed time to reweave our relationship, as the year long separation took quite a toll on us.  And I also needed time to gather money, work, prepare. 

Life has been what it is.  Multi layered, complex, deep.  I have lost myself in the lessons that have presented themselves while in relationship, while creating a business, while examining who I am becoming as I grow up.  Often times when things became a bit overwhelming, or alot overwhelming, I have just focused on whatever was in front of me and let the rest take care of itself. 

Most of June and July were about nothing other then making books for two large events and a store order.  And while that was going on, all of my limitation demons came screaming out at me.  I was pushing up against the small box I have unconsciously placed myself in, and had to really do my personal work at transcending my fears around actually having the experiences of being Seen, heard, growing larger then before.  They were challenging months, as this bout with my fears kicked my butt.

Its August now.  I keep saying that, because the amount of days until I am suppose to leave is now in the 2 digits.  Its August, and I don't have the money I need to leave, and the time is nearing, and I am having so many fears, resistances and chest tightness over letting go of my work, my home, my car, my cat, my life to go.  Go. 

I am in the face of an opportunity to live in the world.  The Big world.  I have called this to myself.  I manifested a relationship with a man who would throw the doors open for me to see a much bigger adventure then anything I would have envisioned on my own.  And some how the temptation to stay, live here in a smaller, albeit nice life, seems so much larger and impossible to ignore.

There are so many things about myself that are coming up for review here.  I need to uproot.  In a literal manner and in a metaphorical manner.  My spirit needs to reclaim its wings to fly in a bluer sky.  And I am in a threshold that is demanding I completely transform myself.  In everyway. When I ascend from my underworld excavation, I will not be the same.  My heart pounds as I type this.  I know that I am being somewhat vague.  Its actually not even on purpose.  The journey is so internal, so shadow, that to solidify into words escapes me. 

sigh...

You know whats interesting?  I have always known, even as a young girl, that I was put on this planet to live a very unconventional life.  And in many ways I have.  And yet as I get older, the safety of that American dream to have a white pickett fence, the 2.5 kids and all the toys that come with all of that, keeps becoming so appealing.  And so scary to say no to.  The other secret here is that I want that dream, but sort of don't, because I continue to create my life in such a way where the "unconventional" wants to reign supreme.  And then that little girl within can't imagine not having the adventures Be the life I live. 

Maybe its not really unconventional... maybe its just authentically me.  I don't know... I just don't want to fight myself anymore. 

I am trusting that this is a journey I placed myself on in order to be my most authentic big beautiful self.  And I am aware that this internal tension I am holding is simply the catalyst to make some choices.  To shift and create something new. 

Breathe with me...

Manuscripts For The Journey

This is a very small version of my story board for the store display.  I am not too happy with the way it turned out, but its my first.  The store up in Big Bear will display it along side my journals.

July was a big month for my art endeavors, and I'm both exhausted and excited about where things are going .  I have decided to place my journals in their own Etsy store.  The journals are evolving into various lines, and it makes sense to carve out a special place in the world for them to do that.  So far I have 5 different lines, and a few more on the way! 

My stock is a bit low this week, as I am just getting back from vending at a festival, but stay tuned in the next week or so for many many more to make their appearance!

Go check it out!

Soft and Gentle

I've been on a luscious creative wave for the last several days.  Ideas stirring, colors splashing, ways of doing things are evolving...  I even made a journal yesterday that is so delicious I can't bare to let it go.  I love that.

And yet, this morning I wake up down.  Frustrated.  Unsatisfied.  I don't know what it is that brought this on, but its as if all the mini "no" monsters in my head decided to sing their chorus at maximum volume.  When this happens, I tend to wander back and forth through the house.  Not really knowing where to land, or what to do next.  So I took a long bath.

I don't want to sit around indulging all these doubts and sensations of overwhelm.  It doesn't get me anywhere, and it doesn't change the pattern.  So as I sat here drinking my nourishing deep green nettle tea, I looked out at the gray sky and let its softness wash over me.  Letting it smooth out a few of my rougher edges this morning, I took my cue from the Goddess. 

I'm going softly into my day.  Being gentle and slow with myself.  Knowing that the voices of fear and negativity need their space as well.  Its part of the shifting I have set forth to do.  As my life gets bigger, there will be loud protestations from the peanut gallery.  They are being evicted after all.  Can you blame them?

*I took this photo of a car parked outside my home.  I love the idea of having a sticker like this facing everyone that drives behind them.  Imagine how lovely it would be if we had love messages projected out to the world while we drive around to our varied destinations.  Its a little dose of healing in the middle of a harried day. :)

Journals

Its been quite a month in my world.  I recieved an order for 25 of my hand made journals for a store in Big Bear, California.  It was a wonderful opportunity and gave me much to do!  I have spent the majority of my time making journals for the last 6 weeks.  I delivered the journals to the store last weekend, and then returned to begin making journals again for a festival I will be vending at in a week. 

I have caught myself feeling a bit surreal in this process.  My creative endeavors are finding their places in the world, and connecting with souls that relate to the frequency my art holds.  And I'm in the step by step process without really stepping back to see what it all may look like or mean in the grander scheme of things.  I think about the fact that I still haven't replaced my banner on this blog, and that I don't have a proper website, or that my new etsy store hasn't been completely put up or announced even though the web address has begun to seep out into the world. 

All these little details that fill in the gaps to a larger picture I still haven't taken the time to check out and actively design.  Sure, I have notions, and ideas, and desires and dreams about what the larger picture will look like, but its so fluid right now. 

And as I continue to swim in a sea of book binding, canvas arting and paper tearing, I have started to play with an entirely different medium of expression that I want to dive into!  Its exciting really.  And I find myself so grateful that I get to do this.  I am living my life in exactly the way I want.  And my only stressor is that there isn't enough time in the day for it all.  All being the art, the massage, the cooking, the loving, the making out, the hanging out with friends, the resting and long slow bathing, the dancing, the painting, the journaling, the picture taking.... the cuddle time with Tucker and Chloe...

I just reread the above paragraph.  "I am living my life in exactly the way I want."  Thats not entirely true.  There are details, snags that I hit.  I don't like those, and they are always created by me.  But the whole of my life is good.  The snags that are my lessons are good, because they are part of my evolution, and they are the key to my complete freedom.  I am so aware that I am on the verge of moving into a bigger version of my life.  And I have also been aware of the anxiety that comes from stepping forward into the world and making myself available for more.  I continue in my intention of remaining conscious of this and trying not to limit myself in an attempt to remain in my habitual safety.

Its been a good week.  I have stepped further into my creative life and into my life as a Business Woman  (this is a big big big thing for me).  And now this week that approaches is bringing with it even more opportunities.  So for today, I am taking it slow and gentle.  Sitting on my cozy couch, writing and editing, sipping some ginger tea I just made, and letting the day flow.  Just a moment of quiet before the slip stream of next weeks activities begin.

Here is a picture of my journals in their very own display case!  It isn't all put together here, but this is the image I have.  There is a sign on the top of the display case and an story board missing from this. 

Isn't it exciting?  :)

Quick update!

I'm busy busy busy! Much is happening and I have a list of things to share and many things coming up. I have to run, but for now, I wanted to leave this mini etsy for you to check out! I have some lovely new postcards available at my shop! Muah!

Wordle.Net!!!

This is soooo fun!  The fabulous Leslie turned me on to Wordle and I then proceeded to spend much too much time playing with it.  I wish the images above could be larger, but if you click on them, each image will take you to the full sized version.  Once there, you can create your own.  Here is the intro to the site:

"Wordle is a toy for generating “word clouds” from text that you provide. The clouds give greater prominence to words that appear more frequently in the source text. You can tweak your clouds with different fonts, layouts, and color schemes. The images you create with Wordle are yours to use however you like. You can print them out, or save them to the Wordle gallery to share with your friends. "

I have printed out 6 different copies, and plan on using some of them along side my Vision Board.  They're simply magical, and oh so revealing!

Enjoy!

My Sacred Life Sunday: Angie Evans

My Sacred Life Sunday

This weekend has been a lot of fun.  Jon and I attended our friends 4th of July party on their boat in Redondo Beach, and got to watch 3 fireworks shows occuring along the length of the coast!  It was a lovely day, with great food, disco dancing on a boat, and much snuggling for the evening show.  One of the fun things about this party was that it was hosted by my Soul Sister and her girlfriend, and was attended by about 20 of their other lesbian friends.  My Jon was the only guy there!  The joke of the night was that Jon would be awarded the Honorary Lesbian plaque for the evening.  My baby held his own very well among all of us women and I love him for it! 

Then last night we went to The Mint Night Club to attend a CD release part for the amazing Angie Evans.  Here is a bit about her:

Its not often one comes across a young artist with the ability to create a truly unique sound and mix it with heartfelt, empowering, insightful and arousing lyrics that leave you groping for more. Angie Evans combines folk, soul, jazz and funk as if they were meant to be together. Her poetic lyrics and soulful voice speak of love, sex, passion, and consciousness.

Born in the suburbs of Northern California, Angie grew up contemplating the outer realms of society and culture. She started playing guitar at 17 and within a year she had written her first song and began performing for her friends. Angie attended Cal State University Long Beach, where she received a degree in Creative Writing with a minor Womyn's Studies. It was there, after finding the wonders of Womyn's studies, sociology, race, politics, and the literature of ethnic and female writers, that she began to believe in the greater good of the poetic and political word. All while discovering the beauty in conscious hip hop, soul and funk music, she began to find a voice that was the perfect fit in content and vibration.

At 21, Angie self-produced and self-released her first 5-song EP. Since then, she has performed at countless venues ranging from coffee shops to college campuses in Long Beach and in the greater Los Angeles area. In June of 2006 Angie booked a six-city, nine-show, west coast tour and made the journey completely on her own. In addition to this diverse array of venues, Angie has performed at many events benefiting various feminist, LGBT and women-centered causes. Angie has been a featured performer at the San Diego Pride Festival (2006), the Long Beach Pride Festival (2005/2006), Ladyfest San Diego (2005), Ladyfest Las Vegas (2006), and this spring she will be performing at the Southern Womyns Festival in Atlanta.

Angie's music is powerful and so so sexy. I swear, and I say this with no disrespect intended towards my Beloved, or to hers... Because I'm not, nor have I ever, but with her...?  I. Would.  :)  Her music is that passionate, that sensual, that deep down in the depths of your pleasure heart and that rooted in Truth.  And she is just a beautiful soul.  She not only sings, but she serves us the meanest Mexican Hot Chocolate over at our favorite haunt, Viento y Agua.   

We danced until well after midnight in a sea of women loving women and it was such a cool state to be in.  I am so grateful to live in an area where people feel relatively free to be and to love as their hearts lead them.  Its one of the things that I love most about Long Beach, where I live.  And its why I loved our entrance stamp to the bar.  Celebrate.  This weekend for me was a celebration of friendship, freedom, love and music.

If you are in the market for some great new tunes, check her out.  You can purchase her music at the link above, and here is a link to her Myspace.  

How did you Celebrate your weekend?

New Moon in Cancer 2008

Happy New Moon!  I am going to deviate from what I normally do for these posts.  Its been a wild ride of a day, and feel more compelled to touch on my energetic experience then what house the moon is landing on, and what a Cancer Moon creates energetically.  More then anything, I just believe that we all intrinsically know whats going on with the Moon and how its affecting us, we just don't always know to identify it as such.

Its been a whirlwind of a day.  Lots of communication with people, emails flying back and forth at a break neck speed, business phone dates, delicious 2 hour phone call with this amazing lady, creating in a large and visionary way...  So much.  There are deep shifts wanting to occur.  I feel them inching their way towards me.  Messages, mirrors, secret whispers heard in my dream time, observances, inklings... all ways in which the Universe is setting the tone, answering my call, and opening the way for me to move through.

So tonight, on this New Moon, rather then do the work of looking at charts, reading up on signs, I am going to do my personal work based on the messages that are coming towards me right now.  I found a link to the following on someones blog.  Sadly, I can't for the life of me remember what blog I found this on, and if its you, Hi!  Thank you for this and please drop me a line. 

This is long, but so spot on with what it is I'm learning and living right now.  I think it will fit for you too.  This is a Manifesto for a design company.  Their work is innovative, completely outside the box, and the site is worth a browse.  So here it is:

An Incomplete Manifesto for Growth

Written in 1998, the Incomplete Manifesto is an articulation of statements exemplifying Bruce Mau’s beliefs, strategies and motivations. Collectively, they are how we approach every project.

1. Allow events to change you.You have to be willing to grow. Growth is different from something that happens to you. You produce it. You live it. The prerequisites for growth: the openness to experience events and the willingness to be changed by them.


2. Forget about good.Good is a known quantity. Good is what we all agree on. Growth is not necessarily good. Growth is an exploration of unlit recesses that may or may not yield to our research. As long as you stick to good you'll never have real growth.


3. Process is more important than outcome.When the outcome drives the process we will only ever go to where we've already been. If process drives outcome we may not know where we’re going, but we will know we want to be there.


4. Love your experiments (as you would an ugly child).Joy is the engine of growth. Exploit the liberty in casting your work as beautiful experiments, iterations, attempts, trials, and errors. Take the long view and allow yourself the fun of failure every day.


5. Go deep.The deeper you go the more likely you will discover something of value.


6. Study.A studio is a place of study. Use the necessity of production as an excuse to study. Everyone will benefit.


7. Begin anywhere.John Cage tells us that not knowing where to begin is a common form of paralysis. His advice: begin anywhere.


8. Harvest ideas.Edit applications. Ideas need a dynamic, fluid, generous environment to sustain life. Applications, on the other hand, benefit from critical rigor. Produce a high ratio of ideas to applications.


9. Keep moving.The market and its operations have a tendency to reinforce success. Resist it. Allow failure and migration to be part of your practice.


10. Don’t be cool.Cool is conservative fear dressed in black. Free yourself from limits of this sort.


11. Ask stupid questions.Growth is fueled by desire and innocence. Assess the answer, not the question. Imagine learning throughout your life at the rate of an infant.


12. Collaborate.The space between people working together is filled with conflict, friction, strife, exhilaration, delight, and vast creative potential.


13. ____________________.Intentionally left blank. Allow space for the ideas you haven’t had yet, and for the ideas of others.


14. Stay up late.Strange things happen when you’ve gone too far, been up too long, worked too hard, and you're separated from the rest of the world.


15. Work the metaphor.Every object has the capacity to stand for something other than what is apparent. Work on what it stands for.


16. Repeat yourself.If you like it, do it again. If you don’t like it, do it again.


17. Make your own tools.Hybridize your tools in order to build unique things. Even simple tools that are your own can yield entirely new avenues of exploration. Remember, tools amplify our capacities, so even a small tool can make a big difference.


18. Stand on someone’s shoulders.You can travel farther carried on the accomplishments of those who came before you. And the view is so much better.


19. Avoid software.The problem with software is that everyone has it.


20. Don’t clean your desk.You might find something in the morning that you can’t see tonight.


21. Don’t enter awards competitions.Just don’t. It’s not good for you.


22. Read only left-hand pages.Marshall McLuhan did this. By decreasing the amount of information, we leave room for what he called our "noodle."


23. Make new words.Expand the lexicon. The new conditions demand a new way of thinking. The thinking demands new forms of expression. The expression generates new conditions.


24. Think with your mind.Forget technology. Creativity is not device-dependent.


25. Organization = Liberty.Real innovation in design, or any other field, happens in context. That context is usually some form of cooperatively managed enterprise. Frank Gehry, for instance, is only able to realize Bilbao because his studio can deliver it on budget. The myth of a split between "creatives" and "suits" is what Leonard Cohen calls a 'charming artifact of the past.'


26. Don’t borrow money.Once again, Frank Gehry’s advice. By maintaining financial control, we maintain creative control. It’s not exactly rocket science, but it’s surprising how hard it is to maintain this discipline, and how many have failed.


27. Listen carefully.Every collaborator who enters our orbit brings with him or her a world more strange and complex than any we could ever hope to imagine. By listening to the details and the subtlety of their needs, desires, or ambitions, we fold their world onto our own. Neither party will ever be the same.


28. Take field trips.The bandwidth of the world is greater than that of your TV set, or the Internet, or even a totally immersive, interactive, dynamically rendered, object-oriented, real-time, computer graphic–simulated environment.


29. Make mistakes faster.This isn’t my idea -- I borrowed it. I think it belongs to Andy Grove.


30. Imitate.Don’t be shy about it. Try to get as close as you can. You'll never get all the way, and the separation might be truly remarkable. We have only to look to Richard Hamilton and his version of Marcel Duchamp’s large glass to see how rich, discredited, and underused imitation is as a technique.


31. Scat.When you forget the words, do what Ella did: make up something else ... but not words.


32. Break it, stretch it, bend it, crush it, crack it, fold it.


33. Explore the other edge.Great liberty exists when we avoid trying to run with the technological pack. We can’t find the leading edge because it’s trampled underfoot. Try using old-tech equipment made obsolete by an economic cycle but still rich with potential.


34. Coffee breaks, cab rides, green rooms.Real growth often happens outside of where we intend it to, in the interstitial spaces -- what Dr. Seuss calls "the waiting place." Hans Ulrich Obrist once organized a science and art conference with all of the infrastructure of a conference -- the parties, chats, lunches, airport arrivals — but with no actual conference. Apparently it was hugely successful and spawned many ongoing collaborations.


35. Avoid fields.Jump fences. Disciplinary boundaries and regulatory regimes are attempts to control the wilding of creative life. They are often understandable efforts to order what are manifold, complex, evolutionary processes. Our job is to jump the fences and cross the fields.


36. Laugh.People visiting the studio often comment on how much we laugh. Since I've become aware of this, I use it as a barometer of how comfortably we are expressing ourselves.


37. Remember.Growth is only possible as a product of history. Without memory, innovation is merely novelty. History gives growth a direction. But a memory is never perfect. Every memory is a degraded or composite image of a previous moment or event. That’s what makes us aware of its quality as a past and not a present. It means that every memory is new, a partial construct different from its source, and, as such, a potential for growth itself.


38. Power to the people.Play can only happen when people feel they have control over their lives. We can't be free agents if we’re not free.

This entire list speaks to me, but there are a few that are very significant, and I am inspired to write about a few of them in the coming weeks.  I am on a plateau looking up and reading to take flight up towards another level.  I am aware that along the way I will be tripping up against my upper self limit line.  My work for this Lunar Cycle is to be conscious of this truth, be present with it, and let it go as I pass it by.  Self sabotage comes with unconsciousness.

Blessings! 

Sacred Life Sunday: Magical Lovers and Righteous Babes

Sacred Life Sunday

Its been an amazing week.  The support and words I received from all of you in my previous post was so beautiful.  I am grateful to each of you who left comments, sent emails, and created posts of your own in response to mine. 

One of the gifts of wisdom I received this week was from our therapist.  She is quite simply amazing, and Jon and I have been so deeply enriched by having her in our lives.  She is a Spiritual Therapist and is in such alignment with who we are and where we want our lives to go, I sometimes can't believe how blessed we are to have her.  She helped me reframe this duality I have going with being an artist and a business woman.  Both require creation, creative approaches, and are a phenomenal opportunity to integrate my left and right brain. 

I had never looked at it this way, although it seems obvious.  Its all a dance, and I'm the one who gets to paint my approach to it all in whatever brushstrokes and colors I want.  What began to be clear to me however, was my pessimism about my abilities to pull off a successful creative life that supports me and flourishes in the world.

Money has always presented a bit of mental/emotional block for me, and this was the topic of discussion between Jon and I on our dinner date the other night.  It was one of those conversations where I am needing to revisit and have him repeat his wise and loving offerings over and over again, because I am forgetting already.  But in such a loving way, and with such wisdom, he pointed out for me how I speak about money, and my ability to manifest my financial world, from the assumption that I just can't. 

So much was said, but what I took with me from that talk was when he reminded me that I can do whatever I set myself out to do.  If someone else has done it then so can I.  And that I need to get that I have the capacity to find my way to what it is I want to create in my life. This is the assumption I need to operate from in the world.  I am paraphrasing a bit here, because again, it was challenging to hear.  But there is something magical in having a lover hold your gaze and tell you that you can.  And I found myself drinking it in like Moon Nectar for the Soul.  He was affirming in many ways that evening.  I later received the nicest compliment I have ever gotten.  Ever.  (Thank you deeply my love.)

I am finding that I am healed by my willingness to open.  Open to him, open to myself, and open to the gifts that are continually wanting to come my way and be received by me.  I know that when I am in resistance, as I am to approaching my store and income as a business, that I block the universe from gifting me with more.  I block myself from playing Big.  And more then all that, I miss an opportunity to really be creative in broader ways in my life.

After all this goodness, I went on a date with two of my Soul Sisters.  We saw Ani Difranco in concert at the House of Blues in Anaheim, California. I had never seen her live before even though I have been a fan for over a decade. Here's a little blurb on Ani:

"Ani DiFranco is a singer, guitarist, and songwriter. She started her own record label at the age of eighteen, called Righteous Babe Records. She is known as a prolific artist (having already released seventeen albums) and is seen by many as a women's rights and feminist icon. She received the "Woman of Courage Award" at the National Organization for Women (NOW) Conference and Young Feminist Summit in Albany, NY."

I don't know how to even write about this.  This woman rocks.  Her path as a Feminist performer in this world... paving her own way, putting out her own music, her political message, her refusal to sell out... the way she kills it with that guitar on stage!  Oh my god!  My soul was so shaken.  So excited, and thrilled.  The Righteous Babe in me felt ready to burst out of my body and take flight. You know that swell of tears you get when you watch something so true, so sourced from the deepest wells, so profoundly, artistically, revolutionarily beautiful, that you are no longer watching with your physical eyes or listening with your mere mortal ears, but instead receiving from your own deepest well of soul essence?  I had that.  Over and over again.  She sang to me.  Woke me up. 

Her stories about birthing her daughter at home, how that reinvented her Feminism, her lyrics, her energy and voice, the unapologetic taking up of her space in the world, her devotion to art, and paving her own way and giving the same opportunity to other artists, her courageousness in writing and reciting this poem:

floor me, and inspire me to be my own brand of courageous, revolutionary, spiritual feminist, with a voice that is compelled to speak out Truth, and the audacity to know that I can do anything I set out to do. 

Here is another video.  This one is part interview and part music video.  I love this song!

And of course this song.  Because we are all at minimum 32 flavors, and there is room for all of us at the top.

I set out at the beginning of this year to Play Big In LIfe, and since then, a huge mirror has been held up to my face by the universe showing me all the way in which I don't.  Its humbling, daunting at times, and depressing at others.  And yet, it has also been an amazing opportunity for magical encounters like the ones I have had this week that are there to show me the Big Me thats available.

Its been a good week.

Long Beach WomenSpirit Faire

I participated in a biannual faire last weekend.  It was quite a bit of fun and work.  Loads of work!  I feel in some ways that I am still recovering from it.  I sold journals and goodies that I still have from my trip to India.  The lanterns in the picture are from India and they danced overhead in my tent from every corner and in between!  They add such a sense of the magical as they swayed and twirled all day.  We were definitely the most colorful booth there!

I've sold at this faire may times in the past.  Its equal parts sales oppurtunity and social gathering as I know so many people from different aspects of my world that attend. This year sales were ok.  Better then last time, but not by much.  And this is where things begin to get challenging for me.

I am really struggling with this dual role of artist and business woman.  In a perfect world I would spend my days creating whatever it was that wanted to be created, and lose myself in the process.  I wouldn't have to train my brain to think in terms of profit margins, weekly budget, and marketing strategies.  Trying to figure out if something like the fair is cost effective and profitable in many ways takes away from the experience for me.  It also changes how I create.

Recently, I met a man who owns a store in Big Bear, California.  He loves my journals and would like to have about 25 of them along with a story board display to sell in his store.  He loves them so much he will pay retail prices for the whole thing!  I am floored by his confidence and overwhelmed by such volume.  Its a great opportunity. 

There is a time factor of course, along with the set amount.  I am aware that even through my excitement, there is a bit of hesitancy, even a sensation of being a bit stifled.  Rather then create out of whatever impulse is wanting expression within me, I now have to create that 25 times!  Am I making this more complicated for myself then it has to be?  I wonder if this is really just an "upper limits" block I have and not an artists' sensibility and commitment to the authentic spontaneous creative process?

I dont' know.  But this really came up for me at with the fair.  I found myself calculating how many journals and art pieces I had to sell, compared to the time spent preparing, and money invested in participating with what needed to be sold in order to not only cover my time and invested money, but also create a profit.  :/

Taking all these things into consideration... I did not make a profit.  And I am trying to really learn that making a profit is just as important as the experience, and the fun, and the socializing.  I am finding this to be a challenge, particularly on how it colors my creative process.  I don't know how to create with free abandon while having all these considerations and calculations in my head.

Are any of you creatives hitting up against this?  How do you work with it?  I would love to get feedback and hear how you are all doing with this.

One Thing: Be Brave!: Tarot Readings

 

I haven't done a Be Brave! entry in quite some time.  I haven't done much here in quite some time actually.  :)  Its been such a busy year so far and for the last month  I have been furiously getting ready for an art fair that I will be participating in next week.  (I will post information on this in a later post.) 

But for now, for this moment there is this.   After 12 years of studying Tarot and reading for myself and friends via emails and the occasional late night card reading, I have decided to make my services available to those wanting to use it as a tool for growth!  I feel the butterflies fluttering furiously as I type this.  Its a big step, but one that has been coming for a while and I am excited to see where it leads me.

For now I will be doing it via email so others will have a hard copy for themselves to use in their personal work.  I have quite a ritualized approach to reading, and as yet don't feel comfortable doing it in real time with the querant in front of me.  Perhaps that will be my next Be Brave! step! 

This is the beginning.  I look forward to being of service to whomever seeks it.  Here is what I wrote as a description on Etsy:

The Tarot has been a potent divination tool for many generations in a wide variety of cultures. Jung described them as being mirrors to the deeper unconscious. When things seem jumbled by the emotions and over stimulation of our daily lives, the cards serve as a mirror and map of what is truly happening on the spiritual plain underneath all the noise.

My readings serve to illuminate the underlying dynamics of the circumstances in your life, and pull through the questions that want to be asked by you. Deeper then fortune telling, the cards reveal the things that you can't see or are unaware of, and that are keeping you from living your truest, freest, fullest potential.

An Inner Revealings reading is a tool to empower you in your own personal work of healing and evolution. These readings are intended for you to take into your journaling, your meditations, your altars... that clarity may be sought and that a path may be paved for you to explore yourself deeper. For this reason, I find that having a typed copy of a reading works well when wanting to go back and reread what was revealed by the cards.

With purchase, please submit a summary of what is going on for you at this time, and what you are seeking to gain further insight from. An email will be sent to you within 3 days.


Disclaimer: The intent of these readings is to offer insight into a situation that will aid you in your personal work. These readings are a tool. Your life and your choices are your own and I as your reader do not assume responsibility for your actions. I do however make every conscious effort to read your cards responsibly. Tarot readings are not intended to replace the help of a professional when needed, and serves best those who have an established practice of self facing and inner work.