This was taken from the top of Haleakala, Maui at sunrise the other day. The sun rising over the clouds was simply breathtaking. This week here has been delicious all around. I am sitting here now typing this on the deck or lanai as it is called here, looking out over green hills, tall swaying palm trees and the most cerulean blue ocean water I have ever seen.
I've mentioned it here before, and it has certainly been the topic of conversation with my sisters, particularly my Wellness buddy, Nita - receiving is so up for me right now. In my ongoing work with opening up to the natural flowing abundance of the Goddess, I have had to come face to face with all the ways I simply resist receiving from the Universe... especially when what I am being asked to receive is exactly what I asked for!
Many of you know that Jon and I had planned on being out of the country by the time this year started. Things changed for us, the stock market last October hurt him financially, and I have still been searching to find my way as an artist that works for herself. Fortunately, we have Jon's family cabin in Idyllwild that has become our rent/mortgage free haven in the enchanted forest that is Idy. Our time there has been amazing, and in and of itself a complete miracle of abundance. It has been for me a space where time is in abundance, and I have had to feel my way around the lessons contained in the reality that time is actually in abundance and not in scarcity, the way I had been living it before.
But in the middle of our time in Idyllwild, while creating a wonderful community of friends, attending art events, concerts and potlucks, Jon's mother called to tell him that she was in need of a retreat for a month to finish her dissertation and did we want to trade homes for a month. (!!!) Right? But truthfully I couldn't afford to do that at the time, and Jon's budget would be quite tight if he had to buy airline tickets for both of us. But before all of those protestations could be made, Jon's mother said that she would pay for the tickets herself!
Here is the truth of Elena's self facing... The instant i heard this, I leapt in my chair! And then in a nano second later, as if on automatic pilot I said to Jon, "Oh no! I could never let you mother do that for us. No no.. thats way too much." Are you ready for the ugly? All of that, was a complete lie, and inauthentic. But what it was, was some cultural programing that says you have to deny what someone is offering you because to take it joyfully would somehow make me selfish, greedy or bad. I mean, who the hell am I to doubt another grown woman's decision on what it is she wants to do. Think about that.
The truth is that I wanted to come, was gleeful over being offered the chance to fly here for free and stay here for free. But I couldn't allow myself to openly embrace that. I had to go through this whole song and dance about it. Do any of you do this as well?
So recognizing this, I make a mental note to be in gratitude and authenticity with such a grand gift of abundance and it was easy to do when she was in Maui and we were in Idyllwild getting ready to come, but when she came up to Idyllwild before we left for her home here in Maui, I felt awkward again. I practiced on... thanking her for her generosity, sharing my excitement over getting to finally work on my tan and really just spend an entire month on an island trying to remain as naked as possible without getting arrested!
I was amazed at how hard this was and continues to be for me and am really looking into what kind of message this sends out into the world about how conflicted I feel about being given anything. I wonder how this has affected my income, my relationships and my experience of the world really.
So we get to Maui, and on the counter is $100 in gift certificates for groceries, and the coolest red convertible ever! Again, I felt myself shaking my head thinking, "This is too much." Immediately I went to my journal and started writing this through, because that message, "This is too much", not only is charged with a whole lot of old charge and cultural beliefs, but its a bomb that goes off any time something I've asked for comes my way. This is how I put the breaks on myself when I begin to really flow in the slip stream of abundance.
This is what I am working with these days. Waking up each day in a great bead looking at this expansive abundant Ocean spread, zipping around in a gorgeous luxurious car, and feasting on the beauty around me. And each morning and night and every moment in between when it comes up, I whisper a thank you to Linda, and one to the Goddess, and one to myself, for continuing to open without judgment of what is or isn't too much.
There is no such thing as wanting too much, getting too much, or asking for too much of the universe. And all the cultural, gender based, emotional and psychological beliefs adn tapes that say there is need to be sussed out and questioned.
What are you keeping yourself from receiving?
Happy Wellness Wednesday everyone and Aloha!
